Cartorque vol 13 - ‘Uk police cars, what happened?’
Right — police cars. Everywhere else in the world, they look like they’ve been pulled straight out of an action film. In Italy, for example, the police are thundering around in Lamborghinis. Proper ones. V10s. Sirens that sound like Pavarotti stubbing his toe. In Dubai, they’ve got Bugattis, Ferraris, and probably something that also launches missiles just because it can. Even the Australians get big burly V8s that look ready to head-butt a kangaroo at 120mph.
And then there’s us.
The United Kingdom.
A proud nation of engineering heritage, motorsport dominance, and an impressively creative ability to make even the simplest thing — like choosing a police car — completely miserable.
You look at a British police car and you immediately know two things:
It’s a diesel.
It was chosen by someone named Colin from Procurement who’s still upset Woolworths closed.
For reasons known only to the Home Office and possibly a committee made entirely of people who think “driving excitement” is a dangerous medical condition, we insist on giving our police forces cars like the Vauxhall Astra. Or worse… the hybrid SUV that groans under hard acceleration like an asthmatic pensioner trying to blow out birthday candles.
But here’s the painful part: we didn’t used to be like this.
Once upon a glorious time — when trousers were baggier and hair gel came by the litre — British police actually drove something cool: the Ford Sierra Cosworth.
Yes. A Cosworth.
A turbocharged, rear-wheel-drive, winged hooligan of a machine that could — and often did — chase down anything short of a fighter jet. Watching a police Cossie tear down the motorway was like witnessing justice served at 150mph while wearing a massive spoiler.
But somewhere along the line, someone in government decided that fun was illegal.
Gone were the Cossies, the Rover SD1 V8s, the Imprezas… and in their place came cars so dull they could be used as tranquillisers. Grey anonymous boxes with cloth seats and an options list that includes things like “rubberised steering wheel for easy cleaning.”
Meanwhile, other countries continue to embrace the idea that police cars should look like they belong to people who might actually want to drive them. Ours look like they belong to people who are just happy the printer finally started working.
And the irony? The UK is still home to some of the coolest car manufacturers on earth. We build McLarens. Aston Martins. Lotuses. Cars that shout, “Drive me fast into the horizon!” But our police?
They get a Skoda.
A Skoda…
So yes — police cars around the world look fantastic. They’re fast, dramatic, and impossibly cool. Ours look like they’re on their way to pick up a parcel from Argos.
Bring back the Cosworth, I say. Bring back the sirens, the spoilers, and the unapologetic sense that if you’re going to chase criminals, you may as well do it in something that doesn’t feel like a rental car from Luton Airport.
Because until we do, the UK will remain the only country where the bad guys escape… not because they’re fast… but because the police are stuck behind a speed limiter and a spreadsheet.
Adam Woodruff
Writer
